Peace. I’ve been so intense lately with my emotions. I’ve reacted to loved ones with tension, lost a few yards with formerly close people and I generally began to not care how it left me – except that wasn’t true. I’ve had a few days to process my thoughts and this blog entry is part of the process. Well at least the part I’m willing to share in a public manner.
It’s been said I can be a jerk, an ass, a cad and I’d be the first to agree with you on all of that. Certain points of my life, I’ve certainly been those things. There have been moments where I relished in it, others where I reluctantly engaged in the turbulent up and down song of dance that is the nature of most personal relationships. Lately, I’ve found myself not caring about what was left in my wake or what consequences came from my words or actions. I began to say what I felt, lashing out angrily even because it was me at my rawest. I accepted the idea that I was damaged and I wanted others to feel like me.
I recognize now how incorrect that is. I understand fully that nothing gets done that way. You don’t win with that manner of gamesmanship. It doesn’t lend anyone a true victory. You think you’re ahead and you’ve flexed some manner of egotistical muscle but in reality, you’re just driving deeper wedges between those who would above all have your back and respect you…and even love you despite the way you are. These are tough lessons for me because I pride myself on being bold, speaking my mind no matter what state I’m in and not caring about the results or fallout. That alone has found me losing peers, friends, and has ruined relationships of all sorts.
I want to claim a better way for myself and I began over the weekend. I reflected on the pain I push out via my words and try to heap on to others and I know it’s not healthy. I have to speak peace and be positive as much as possible. If I feel negativity in my throat before I speak, I shouldn’t and I won’t. I need to be active in not projecting the worst parts of myself. The way that I was does not work. It will not work. I am saying right now at 11:10am EST on June 20th that I have to change or else lose myself to the void of confusion. I am going to be silent when those feelings creep up. I hope to be a better friend and partner to all who cross my path from this point forward.
This is necessary.