Peace. I was compelled to write this blog as I have endured some relationship woes and lost connections with loved ones and friends even as recent as the last few weeks. I have reached a place of indifference about it and so below, I will try to share and write out my feelings.
I’ve been gone from blogging in this space because my career has spiked, some relationships and connections are faltering or failed and I have been possibly tweeting too much. I arrived to a place just now at 1:30 AM EST where I said to myself “it really doesn’t matter anymore” and I felt free of the weight of it all. I believe I’ve been so consumed with my appearance and all that comes with presenting myself that I lost my voice and my way. I’ll try to explain in the next paragraph.
I’m typically male in that way in where I live to fix an issue and attempt to do so in probably the most ham-handed fashion ever. I do not know how to make someone want to discuss things with me amicably and I am really uncomfortable bothering people with what could be my assumptive feelings about how they’re feeling. It’s a daunting thing, communication with others. I’ll say that this is a personal issue and that some of you have no problem with speaking from their hearts and saying it with their lungs. I don’t enjoy bickering conflict or bandying words with someone who’s clearly already moved to a place of cold hardness. I am not one to warm up a rock just to be told I can’t sit on it.
So I become insular or I fill my time up with random things and I find usual haunts. I’ll extend a branch or two for communication but if it’s not met with at least with a “I don’t feel like this” or all I get is silence or attitude, I check out quickly. I did it with my mother, my own flesh and blood, and other people I love deeply. I just don’t really go for all that in dealing with people. I feel like we’re all able to make the most of our situation by simply making a bridge and maintaining said bridge together. I get despondent when I see someone who claims to be friend or a loved one go into their hole and you’re supposed to chase them. I am content with letting them go into their holes and I won’t lie to you and say I wish them some hurt and harm on the way. Petty, I know it.
I want to be available to those who I feel are worthy of being available for. I want to be this beacon of information. I want to clearly be more than what is perceived and the like. But if it feels like a chore or dire or akin to dumping money into a void, I naturally begin to not care. It is perhaps the most unfortunate thing about my character. I am not proud of it. However, I’m not in any way of feeling like I need to alter this fact about myself. I can be so singularly focused on my work and the things that bring me pleasure in my solitude. I do not pretend when I say I happen to prefer my own company most times. I don’t have very many close friends, perhaps because I know I’ll disappoint them with my tendency to disconnect so easily.
In all, my loyalty to those I love shouldn’t be questioned. However, even with that comes a shelf life and I’m starting to not check the date on the product. I have become accepting of the fact that I let things rot and would rather take the blame than be told something about my person I’ve already fessed up to or am patently aware of. Do know, dear readers, I’m not necessarily trying to change this about me but I know I should. Anyone who could or should benefit from my growth and ascension either doesn’t deserve it, has decided it’s not worth the fight or effort or I happen to not care myself. Something definitely needs to change inside me. I need to feel like I give a damn again but there again, I don’t feel these pangs of sadness I normally would.
But it’s still kind of sad. Really sad.