Peace. Based on some events in the last few years and the past weekend, I realize I’ve left both a trail of hurt and confusion and even doubt in the people I’ve loved and women I’ve dated. This is not an intended thing and I’ll do my best to explain below.
As I write this, I am intentionally being vague to keep those of you who are not privy completely out of my business. However, I do need to state that in no way have I been a fantastic partner or man to date in several instances of my life. I have been cruel, manipulative, secretive and flat-out deceitful. The frightening thing as how easy it was to do and how self-serving the deeds were. To this end, I’ve come to know as much as I project this air of confidence and righteousness, I too have my set of bullsh*t with me. It isn’t entirely a shock nor hard to admit, as we all have our faults. But I’m certain when I say that I’ve had a long bout with the thoughts that plague me about how I am and what I’ve allowed myself to project.
I want to believe that I can satisfy all of my needs and desires all while seeking out the complete feeling of love in one person. However, I can admit to anyone close enough to care that I am fearful of the forever. It seems daunting and full of uncertainty. And if one thing a woman I dated in the past taught me is that certainty is never a given. I am so appreciative to know many of the women I’ve dated have moved on to happier lives and relationships and I will never be less than supportive. I wonder all the time if their new situations will work out and I have my doubts intact – perhaps that’s just me casting residual hate. I do know that forever is possible and that with work, any relationship can survive – and I don’t just mean romantic ones.
This weekend, I nearly lost one of my best friends over something I shouldn’t have had to question or answer for. But I believe what happened there was my own projected hurt and fears coming out. Do understand that while we patched it up amicably, it revealed to me that I must be careful in who I share my life with and that I must do better to protect what’s mine. I want to be this open book and be fearless of judgment or ridicule but the world doesn’t work that way. That’s so utopian to think people won’t judge you. It’s a very innate part of most people. And when you have close friends who are in on the minute details of your life, they have the power to jab the soft parts of your heart without even trying.
I am never fond of losing friends but if I have to, I will. There are some exes and friends who I care not to know what they’re doing. There are some that I wish we could hang out for a cup of joe and be merry pals. There are even those I still love in some small way but in the end what does it matter? We’re not to be, we were never meant to be and that’s ok too. I wish that the hurts can be mended in a safe place because I’ve been hurt as well but I forgive and move on at a rapid rate. I do not harbor much in the way of bad thoughts for anyone – well, maybe one or two people I wish for them to hurt a bit but I know it’s just me wanting to get even.
For the last 7 years or so, I’ve been looking past my own bullsh*t trying to use these quasi-relationships and trysts as a salve to plug the very real and gaping hole in my soul. As of this moment, I’m pretty much at peace and I do believe I’m ready as I’m going to be but I am also fearful of my past actions. I am worried about regressing into a base version of myself and inflicting that on to another. When those thoughts creep up (and they do often), I get despondent and weary. I begin to remember all the hurt I’ve levied on people because I too was hurting and angry and bitter. I start to recall how much I haven’t grown, even though on the surface I seem mature. I revisit old conversations and wonder if I could have stopped the carnage.
What we all should do, and I am by no means an expert or man of letters, is reflect on our past actions to see how we’ve evolved. We must continually learn lessons about ourselves. Why do some of us rely on dishonesty? Why is strife or negativity so easy to command? Why is mistrust our first instinct? Why can’t we take people for who and what they are? Why are we always running toward conflict but constantly running away from resolution? The variables are endless and we may never get the answers we seek. The only thing any of us can do try to be better than you were the day before and forgive yourself for your failures. Perhaps then the rest of the world will eventually be on the same page you’re on. If not, you at least made an effort worthy of striving for.