Peace. This is the first of what I think will be many entries talking about things that have sped through my mind lately. The theme that resonates in me lately is not one of closure but a new and hopefully improved beginning. Read on for more.
I think I’ve always been able to express disdain for a person far more eloquently than my approval or love of them. When I feel (or am) wronged, my defense mechanism is to react harshly and lash out in a way to maim and perhaps alienate myself from the source of the pain. Another thing I do is completely detach in a very cut and dry fashion. In doing this, the target is hopefully blindsided and I hinge my so-called victories on cutting the person just a bit on the way out. I couldn’t tell you if it works or not but I feel better afterwards. It is a petty thing to seek vengeance and worse still was my ability to not even care how it left people.
Today, I was looking over the dreaded and highly connected social networking site Facebook and realized there are people in my list of friends I’ve cut off or they’ve cut me off based on things I’ve said or done. I want to bridge that gap and bring these people, who were and still are important to me, closer to my circle again. I do not enjoy the idea of losing friends. I believe time heals all rifts and division but it also helps to make yourself available to that challenge. I’ve begun reaching out to these lost connections over the past week in an attempt to remember that knowing them and appreciating them is far more important than hurt or ignored feelings. I want to have productive conversations with this diverse set of people I no longer converse with regularly. I do not want to lose any more time.
The difficulty in this for me is how do you know you’re making progress when you’ve pillaged everything that you’ve built up in the friendship/relationship? How do you mark the effectiveness of your efforts without amicable discussions and the like? How does anyone know if it’s worth it? I think I’ve made several leaps of faith and if it pans out, then the heavens willed it so. If not, I’ll apologize via the wind and hope that these butterflies in my stomach will become beautiful words that finds their ears and hearts. I guess this is the just the start in becoming a more whole and effective person. I hope I can make the bridges strong again.