Peace. It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. I haven’t been inspired or moved to write much in the last few weeks. A good conversation this morning sparked some inner dialogue. I hope you can follow along.
I’ve never been one to publicly talk about my past relationships or offer running accounts of my current ones. One reason is that I used to be insanely private. The other reason is that I prefer to not be “on the grid” (i.e. exposed). My greatest reason, however, has been that people don’t care about your process as much as they’ll levy heavy critique on your life at will. The thought of “once you put it out there, it’s up for discussion” is a liberty that habitual line-steppers abuse often. I can take my true friends jumping in my business but not a bunch of log-in and usernames that don’t even know my full name.
I’ve dealt with people who are both insular with their expression and out with it as well – bloggers, heavy journaling, etc. Neither bothered me nor deterred me. I just knew it wasn’t for me to join in the fray so to speak. I like hashing things out verbally (perhaps in a rambling fashion at that). However, I do vent heavily in my journal and I have a space online where I write about EVERYTHING I’ve been through the last three decades that I can remember both good or bad. If anyone ever found this space, they’d get the full story of my life and those I’ve been with and all the juicy bits in between. It feels good to let it out — there. I wouldn’t do it here. As much as I’ve wanted to, and I did somewhat with the haikus, I never really went in on anyone that I used to date/love. Believe me though, I’ve wanted to but I realized that they’re either not worth the energy or I’ve moved on — something I do rather swiftly and is usually the case.
I assume that anyone I’ve dated or been with has clearly appreciated any lesson being with me taught them, whether good or bad. I certainly learned a lot from my past relationships but not enough to write long ass entries about it or harp over it over drinks or pine over the loss or any of that crap. I don’t mean to critique anyone else’s process but that mourning lost love movement is a dead-end to me. I may have even gotten on my “WELL F*CK YOU TOO THEN” mode during breakups and even that’s short-lived. I really don’t know how or why people hold on to the past hurt as if it’s a medal of honor. I try to appreciate the person for who they were to me and realize that I must have cared enough to be with them so I honor that. But all that dissecting the hows and whys of it all? Pshh.
I don’t think I’ll be one to do a lot of entries like this because I’m being vague — something I feel is necessary. This is essentially a public space and for me to speak upon my past even in the abstract is unfair to those I’ve dealt with. I’m sure they’ve got plenty to say on the subject but that’s not what this space is going to be about. If someone I consider a true and valued friend wants to know what’s up with my private life, it is up to me to decide how much they need access to. I’m not one to blab it out for the sake of conversation. If you’re a person of purpose to me, you will be privy to things my associates never will be.
So nah…I’ll keep my innermost thoughts to myself. I will never name names. I won’t do a lot of hinting around. I think the mature thing to do is respect what was, love what is, and honor what will be. All the people I’ve loved before, in some ways I still do. But I reserve most of that love for self. Growth doesn’t happen without a ton of self-reflection. How do you ascend from your depths if you’re constantly stuck on the hurt of the past?
I say this with Peace