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On: Defining Sexuality.

Peace. I originally wrote this on my Facebook page. I was hoping folks would chime in more but nobody ever did. Let’s hope we can get some discussion going here. I wish to preface this by saying I am not a man of letters nor am I seeking to define a woman’s sexuality in any way. I’m just a curious soul in this regard. I hope I don’t come off as prying. 

I’m using this entry to kind of drum up dialouge amongst a vast pool of eyes/ears. I’ve spoken to a lot of my straight or bi female friends, ex-GFs, old lovers, and women I’ve dated about sexuality only to discover there’s a thread. They all seemed to prefer how women looked, felt, made them feel, etc. They connected better with women (emotionally). They found (emotional) intimacy easier with women. They appreciated women but they (mostly) dealt with men save for a few random late nights or a fling or two. I asked them was it a matter of following hetero-sexist norms or was it just how it ended up.

I have a few feminist/womanist friends who told me that they prefer women but date men because “men are easier to mold/make/adapt to”. Another set of women told me that they have sex with both women and men but mostly out of a sense of a need for extra stimulation (their admission). Another set of women said they hated/weren’t as interested in men’s bodies but preferred the act of penetration overall so they “dealt with men” on that merit. I had a discussion with a woman recently who has/had a secret affair with her married female friend (who’s happy with the man she has and with children). Yet my friend keeps her distance because while the friend’s husband doesn’t care, my friend considered it cheating and thus cut contact.

This same friend said she loves men and that they bring her pleasure and she can’t see herself with anyone but a man. She’s also a PK (preacher’s kid) and daughter of a “heathen mother” (her words). Yet, she’s drawn automatically to women, has mostly female friends, surrounds herself mostly with women and finds more contentment overall with her female friend base versus her male friend base. I asked her why that is and she didn’t readily have an answer but I took it to mean she was definitive in her needs and wants. She clearly knows herself and said she knows she’ll end up in a nuclear family situation because, in her words, “it feels like that’s what I’ve always wanted anyway”.

That’s the crux of this entry. I find women I meet are succumbing to hetero-sexist norms to “keep the peace”, whatever that means. I know that my LBGTQ friends talk about their relationships and that the same issues that plague heterosexual relationships are just as prominent in their lives as well. I want to know why is it so tough for women to display the dichotomy and wide scope of their sexuality? We all know some of the reasons why it’s tough for men to do so (given patriarchy’s overreaching glare in our world and homophobia). I’m interested in hearing more from women and I think I’ll eventually flesh this out to a larger piece one day. Perhaps Ink and I can turn this into a show of sorts.

I’ll also try to do this same entry from the angle of men as well, although I know very few gay/bi men. I know there are feminist/womanist supporting men out there who have things to share as well. I also want to offer my own take on all of this information I’ve been absorbing of late. Lots to talk about in the coming days.

Thanks for reading.



9 Responses

  1. when it comes to sex, i think you want to take what people say with a grain of salt, and focus on their behavior. when asked a direct question, it can be hard for a person to really know what they think or feel, but they feel compelled to say something, and literally anything can come out of their mouths. but whatever they say, if they really want to express the wide scope of their sexuality, they figure out a way to do so. in my experience.

  2. There is no definition to sexuality. Sexuality is fluid. There are a lot of factors that influence a person’s sexuality. One of those (main) is religion.

  3. I think most women… And, this is my assumption, are not as content with expressing their feelings on sexuality with most people due to fear or the lack of support available to them once they have discussed their sexuality. It took me a long time to realize that I must be content with whom I am and how I am all on my own. I am still learning to not let others’ way of thinking mold or shape my existence. But, it is hard. It’s easier to put oneself into a fitting space instead of squeezing oneself into a space that has bends, twists, turns, and has oblong shapes.

    Being a child of a preacher, I want not to disappoint my patriarch presence, but at the same time, want so badly to do what pleases the soul. Being a child of a heathen, I want to truly connect with my matriarch presence and knowing that my past would mean nothing to her, I still get the feeling that the dominant presence disappointment would hurt me more. I think it’s beautiful to discover that another friend-girl, female companion, same-sex person feels the same way and isn’t afraid to exchange several hours of passion or just a few moments discussing those feelings.

    Overall, I do know that a female would not bring me happiness; not the total happiness I am seeking in life. So, me knowing this fact, pushes me forward and I can honor being content with my male counterpart knowing that my past is simply that, my past…

  4. “I want to know why is it so tough for women to display the dichotomy and wide scope of their sexuality?”

    I can’t speak for women, obviously, but I find that the more developed my sexuality becomes–which basically means the more I understand it–the more complicated it is to put my cards on the table. That’s not even referring to any scope involving homosexuality; just goals, objectives, preferences, kinks, fantasies, moods, styles.

    There is so much stigmatization of so many different areas of our sexuality, and those stigmas vary so greatly from person to person.

    I can imagine why a woman would not want to ‘display’ the scope of her sexuality. As a man, I’m reluctant enough to show my hand.

    • Bill,

      I have certain things I’ve yet to share because I fear the judgement. In fact, I find talking about sex extremely uncomfortable a bulk of the time. But I guess what I’m hoping (or nearing) is a place of comfort with discussing the act without fearing the inevitable judgement or character sniping that could come. I suppose that’s what I hoped to invoke in this conversation.

      Thanks for commenting!

  5. I think that women have less issues with sexuality because there are just less stigmas for us but, some women still want to “play the part”. The moment that a family finds out a new daughter is born, they think about her future and what she’s going to bring to the family ( grandchildren & a wedding). From childhood into adulthood most women never want to disappoint “the family” or their mother.

    I’m an out lesbian who is almost more than sure that I don’t want kids and even if same sex marriage passes in my state I’m not sure if I want to be married. I’m not worried about pleasing anybody. Nor am I going to sacrifice my happiness for approval or the satisfaction of someone else but, I have other lesbian friends who do it.

    I have a friend who classifies herself as a stud and she lives freely while at college but, once she goes back home she changes her hair, her way of dress, and tries to cease anything that screams gay . She also keeps male friends around when back home. All of this is done to keep the relationship that she has with her mother.

    Another thing that I’ve also noticed is there are a great # of lesbians who are very much lesbian but, they want children and just don’t want to deal with what it truly takes to have children as a lesbian or lesbian couple. The fact that the law in the majority of the states don’t support lgbt co-parenting, etc. makes it hard for people. So some women have sex with men, and get pregnant. Later on down the road, they have these ready made families.

    Then there is the woman who screams she’s gay but, occasionally has sex with me to “figure it out” for sure. Some never “figure it out” because they are bisexual and just don’t want to admit it because of fear of stigma from the lesbian community.

    I’ve said a lot so I’ll stop here. I hope that I gave some incite.

    • Peace sister,

      I needed a reply such as yours and I applaud the candor and insight you’ve shared with me and anyone else reading this space. That was really enlightening.


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