Peace. This is an attempt to (vaguely) speak on some personal experiences and a way to vent without venting I guess. The truth is, there won’t be a lot of detail here but there will be openness. Or at least my honest attempt at talking about my failures in relationships.
It takes a hell of a man or woman to admit when they’ve wronged someone they’re supposed to love. I’ve done some awful things to women in the course of my romantic relationships and as I said during one of my many Twitter rants, no man is proud of his trail of bad relationships. Not even the worst of us. Now while I strive wholly to be a better person and realize I’m not the most forthcoming man in the world, I have opened up more and it’s UNCOMFORTABLE. I do not like being that exposed to anyone, not even my true blues. I used to (and maybe still do) find a sick little comfort in being insular and private and abstract. I don’t think you need to know everything about me — especially if a true holy/spiritual union isn’t on the horizon.
I look at Tiger Woods and his heavy issues. I think more than anything, the embarrassment of his situation and his guilt has GOT to be burdensome. I could relate to that more than I care to admit. But some people think he’ll be exonerated one day — especially if he goes all tell-all on himself. What does that benefit but the only the truly nosy of us? I don’t care to know the details. I just hope he and his family can bounce back, heal and remain intact. I’d want that most of all. I don’t know if the public even deserves to know. At this point, I know more than enough as is.
My father has never come clean to my mother in how he treated her but he’s often told me that he wishes he was never without “his Scorpio” as he calls her. I’m a Pisces like my father…and sometimes the parallels of our lives are scary and uncanny. My father can do this thing where he knows exactly what I’m going to say. It’s probably the most amazing thing I’ve been witness to. I don’t think I’m like him. I believe a lot of my poor actions with the fairer sex were inspired by my own hare-brained assumptions, a feeling of being slighted or getting the drop on someone before they got it on me (that’s a whole ‘notha post in itself).
But where does that get people? What part of the soul does that manner of action feed? It’s such a fruitless thing. Every time a woman I’ve been with has “stepped out” on me, it was never about the act itself. It was a form of protest. It was a thing of desperation, some said. It was just a cry for attention…chance occurrence. I wish I never knew what that pain felt like and how it inspired me to have such vehemence for women at certain points of my life. I allowed that bitterness to influence me in ways that I don’t find pride in. Why do we hide so much of ourselves from each other?
That’s where I am today. I want to know if I’m being genuine. I’m REAL genuine once the cat’s out the bag but shouldn’t one be that way in the start? This is the lesson I’m grappling with and I may always struggle with it. Why am I so afraid to be judged for my frail humanity? Why do I need people to see me greater than what I am? There’s a lot of layers to my often insular thoughts and I don’t think I got anywhere tonight with them.
But at least I feel better for trying.