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The Burden Of Guilt

Peace. This is an attempt to (vaguely) speak on some personal experiences and a way to vent without venting I guess. The truth is, there won’t be a lot of detail here but there will be openness. Or at least my honest attempt at talking about my failures in relationships.

Peace,

It takes a hell of a man or woman to admit when they’ve wronged someone they’re supposed to love. I’ve done some awful things to women in the course of my romantic relationships and as I said during one of my many Twitter rants, no man is proud of his trail of bad relationships. Not even the worst of us. Now while I strive wholly to be a better person and realize I’m not the most forthcoming man in the world, I have opened up more and it’s UNCOMFORTABLE. I do not like being that exposed to anyone, not even my true blues. I used to (and maybe still do) find a sick little comfort in being insular and private and abstract. I don’t think you need to know everything about me — especially if a true holy/spiritual union isn’t on the horizon.

I look at Tiger Woods and his heavy issues. I think more than anything, the embarrassment of his situation and his guilt has GOT to be burdensome. I could relate to that more than I care to  admit. But some people think he’ll be exonerated one day — especially if he goes all tell-all on himself. What does that benefit but the only the truly nosy of us? I don’t care to know the details. I just hope he and his family can bounce back, heal and remain intact. I’d want that most of all. I don’t know if the public even deserves to know. At this point, I know more than enough as is.

My father has never come clean to my mother in how he treated her but he’s often told me that he wishes he was never without “his Scorpio” as he calls her. I’m a Pisces like my father…and sometimes the parallels of our lives are scary and uncanny. My father can do this thing where he knows exactly what I’m going to say. It’s probably the most amazing thing I’ve been witness to. I don’t think I’m like him. I believe a lot of my poor actions with the fairer sex were inspired by my own hare-brained assumptions, a feeling of being slighted or getting the drop on someone before they got it on me (that’s a whole ‘notha post in itself).

But where does that get people? What part of the soul does that manner of action feed? It’s such a fruitless thing. Every time a woman I’ve been with has “stepped out” on me, it was never about the act itself. It was a form of protest. It was a thing of desperation, some said. It was just a cry for attention…chance occurrence. I wish I never knew what that pain felt like and how it inspired me to have such vehemence for women at certain points of my life. I allowed that bitterness to influence me in ways that I don’t find pride in. Why do we hide so much of ourselves from each other?

That’s where I am today. I want to know if I’m being genuine. I’m REAL genuine once the cat’s out the bag but shouldn’t one be that way in the start? This is the lesson I’m grappling with and I may always struggle with it. Why am I so afraid to be judged for my frail humanity? Why do I need people to see me greater than what I am? There’s a lot of layers to my often insular thoughts and I don’t think I got anywhere tonight with them.

But at least I feel better for trying.

Peace

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6 Responses

  1. I came across this at the perfect time. Peace to the god.

  2. You know I think my problem is I’m too up front or too honest at revealing how I am in the beginning. I’ve written about this far too much, but it’s like I’m bent on letting that potential partner know exactly who they are dealing with and if they’re scared off in the beginning, cool… That’s something I wouldn’t have had to deal with later on, but if they staying knowing all there is to know about me, then I expect them to stick it out when times get hard, I’d do the same w/ and for them. But, life’s crazy… This mind-boggling thing called love mixed with relationships can really, really crack a person’s brain and and crush a person’s heart. I commend you for being open; it’s deathly attractive coming from the male counterpart.

    • Peace,

      Believe me, it’s a VERY new thing. This just didn’t happen. I’m learning a lot about myself in the last 5 months and how you can’t let your past failures fully determine how you move about in the world in the future. But I guess the thing is I’m sure I’m not doing nearly enough in the openness regard. I still hold on to my old ways but I’m slowly and surely shedding my skin. Thank you for reading.

  3. WOW! Even though you say your thoughts are pretty vague they are still revealing enough to draw a connection to my own journey. I’m in no way someone who is open with my emotions. I think I’m too afraid of being judged. I’m working on that though. Thanks for sharing our experiences…

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